I JUST DON’T GET….
I never used to be the sort of person who used to believe in bad luck. I didn’t believe in good luck either, so I therefore thought I was void from either one and I would prefer to keep it that way…
However, I write this whilst casually glancing over towards my bedroom mirror, which is cracked and half shattered thanks to a freak hairdrying accident back in May. When I look back at the incident itself, I do realise it reflects the slightly haphazard life choices I make which may actually be responsible for the cursed 6 months with which I’ve been encumbered with since: balancing a mirror precariously on a radiator next to an open window on a windy day, whilst having my hands busily entertained with a hairdryer, hair, brushes, hairspray and a cup of tea - seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.
I do also realise that having a broken mirror hanging on your wall 6 months can be viewed as ummm….crazy. Or lazy. But I’ve grown to like it and look at it as a self made art instillation. One of those cool art pieces named something wanky like “Reflective Chaos” - that you ask “Wow - what does it mean?”
Well, when a certain person left my bedroom, pointed at it and said “Wow. That’s shit” – it clearly means I’m an idiot, that’s all it means.
The thing that has annoyed me about this damn mirror is that it is seemingly proving my bad luck / good luck theories wrong. Seemingly no amount of denying that either exists can help you avoid it. I have tried and tried to explain away life’s little mishaps - but I just can’t seem to shake the nagging feeling that all of these things started to happen when this mirror fell and half smashed / mangled itself on my bed end. One or two incidents, I could maybe accept as just one of those things. But, seriously - when you hear the tales of woe that have happened since, you will start to realise why I’m starting to think that bad luck DOES exist and that I am apparently living out my own sequel to Final Destination. (That would make it Final Destination 7. Or Penultimate Destination…or…anywaaay…)
I will not go into too much detail…but here are the events that stick out in my mind from this year’s summer of love…
EARLY MAY – I can’t remember the exact date – but early May was what we shall term “THE Mirror Incident”.
15th MAY 2011 – Car crash in Cannes. I was in the back seat of a car being driven by “those that shall not be named”. We had been on a boat. And there may have been a lot of wine drinking on that boat. Who knows if said unnamed driver had let the wine pass his lips…well, actually – yes. I do. Because there would be no other reason why a sane person would put his foot down and career the car at break neck speed towards a tunnel which could barely fit the width of a car. I shall leave the rest to your imagination.
28th JULY 2011 - Bike Accident – idiot cyclist took the inside line on me when I was clearly turning left. I went over handle bars. Scuffed knees, quivering bottom lip and the joy of picking out gravel from my hands. I felt like I was 12 again.
25th JULY 2011 - Helter Skelter Accident. Yes. Helter Skelter. We were at Secret Garden Party. It was sunny. There was cider. And this Helter Skelter had been gleaming and glinting in the sunshine and calling it’s merriment to me over the duration of the festival. We were about to leave…but we had time for one Helter Skelter. So off we went. Out of all of the things on a Helter Skelter than might cause injury – you would THINK that it’s the shitty little doormats you have to sit on. They have “carpet burns” written all over them. Well, let me tell you this…THEY ARE THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES. It’s the stealthy rubber seal that runs on the inside of the slide that’s the master of the dark arts. It’s meant to protect you. Fine. If you have a t-shirt which covers your BARE SKIN. I did not. I had a singlet….and this rubber seal rubbed off a good few millimetres of my skin all the way down the back of my shoulder and on other parts of my arms. Gaping wounds which didn’t heal for weeks. They stuck to my bed sheets and everything. It was not pretty.
HELTER SKELTERS ARE NOT FOR ADULTS.
Not sure why no-one else had the same problem.
Oh, hang on – that’s right – they weren’t cursed by the broken mirror.
31st JULY 2011 – Random plank falling on head. Yup. At a house party, minding my own business…chatting to someone at the kitchen table. Random plank, which had apparently been propped up in that same place for months without twitching, decided to fall directly onto my head FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
3rd AUGUST 2011 – I found a random half dead man on my doorstep. Literally, on my doorstep. This doesn’t happen to normal people, right?
10th AUGUST 2011– Rogue staple in my trainer – jumped onto treadmill at gym. Use your imagination.
22nd AUGUST 2011 - Bike stolen. From a lock up at work. With 24 hour surveillance and a Security Guard. Little shits squeezed through a gap the size of a loaf of bread. Or thereabouts.
22nd OCTOBER 2011 – Cycling to football training. Late as usual. Cycling at warp speed down the delightfully named “Shoot Up Hill”. Front mud guard comes off and buckles into my front wheel, sending me flying. Luckily, I’d jumped a red light so there was no traffic next to me. Oh, but wait. Fate won’t let me get away with things that easily becaaaaause….
3rd NOVEMBER 2011 – pulled over and fined by police for jumping red light. Doh - *slap forehead*. Of course I’d get pulled over for a red light when one earlier saved my life.
5th NOVEMBER 2011 – Random Rastafarian asks for my bag, and I give it to him. Otherwise known as a mugging. Tussle next to the canal and potential knifing persuaded me not to put up a fight. Favourite bag and all its contents GONE.
Which brings me relatively up to date…
There have been other incidents that probably aren’t worth mentioning – like the time I was larking around with a pair of mounted fake antlers and raised them to my head to pretend to be a deer, only for there to be a nail through the other side which almost impaled my head. And there are also the slightly more general overarching issues; don’t get me started on how much of a train wreck my love life has been these past six months. It’s so bad that I’m getting comments like “I’d definitely make you the godmother to my child”. Great. You know why? Because they can see I’m going to be the constantly single best friend, who is never going to get a bloke, will therefore have lots of surplus cash and will therefore give better presents to the kid THATS WHY.
At first I thought, these things come in threes. But then I went over my quota.
Then I thought maybe I had 9 lives. But then I went over that too. (…plus I’m not a cat.)
So I’ve run out of excuses. Despite my machinations that good and bad luck doesn’t exist, it looks like I’ve been proven wrong and that I’ve got 7 years of bad luck coming my way. Or, more spcifically - 6 years 5 months and (approx) 24 days.
So – I don’t get bad luck. Well…I do (clearly)…but I don’t “get it”. Is it here to make life more interesting…to keep you on your toes? To make you feel more alive? Who knows. But one thing I have noticed is that as a result of some of these incidents, I’ve seen and expereinced some amazing acts of kindness and generosity from friends, family and randoms, which otherwise wouldn’t happened. That makes me think – that maybe bad luck does have it’s uses.
One of my favourite film quotes is from Vanillas Sky, which is maybe quite apt here.
“Without the bitter, the sweet just aint as sweet”